One

One

‘I am Miss Moldova…

Right…and I am the Maharajah of Baluchistan”

This might well have been the dialogue that would change my life, for if she was not the winner of a beauty pageant, as she would turn out to be, for the initial reply was meant to be funny, in reply to what must have been a joke – for she could not be the most beautiful woman – or do they have to be girls? In order to be allowed to compete? – but she was serious, she was not engaging in that Game People Play (a psychology classic by Eric Berne) when they dress up for Halloween, or pretend they are somebody famous…one example that keeps popping up these days is that of the most infamous charlatan in the world (acclaimed as the ultimate Superman, glorious Angel of Vengeance and some other scary things in the Blue states of America), who keeps claiming he is ‘the best president ever’, whereas he should brag about being the most crooked, absurd and many other labels in the negative domain.

If this ‘girl’ was the most accomplished – they have to pass many tests, might have crossed my mind, albeit there is a reputation for simplicity and a naiveté taken to extremes, when a lack of creativity makes them give cliché answers to questions like what is your goal – to save the world, obviously – what do you like doing – helping old women get across the street evidently – whereas the more sincere replies might be marry the American president, though the actual first lady might have been unsure if the fool she took for his (vastly exaggerated, look at his taxes… oh, that is right, he never published them and on the contrary, he will fight the battle all the way to the Supreme Court, which is a clear indication of the bad image they would project, if ever published, for this is the kind of Narcissistic Disordered individual that would present to the cameras, a few times a day, the money he has to bay on his billions, if he ever came close to having them – then she would be the most desirable.

With hindsight, it could be argued that both Nicky and Nicole were more beautiful than Danielle, but she was the ‘star witness’ of the narrative, somewhat like the Ambassador to the Ukraine, Yovanovitch, and introspect would be in order – which is what this effort of writing down some memories, mea culpa, penitence perhaps for past blunders, scandals – were there horrific acts? Stay tune to find out – and in a positive psychology vein, the savoring of blissful moments, recalling moments of serenity and joy – in trying to assess what was so special in this girl – if we leave aside the fact that she has won such a prestigious trophy (admittedly dismissed in many circles and in the ‘Woke Age’, the very idea of putting women on  stage, to have them ‘examined, questioned’ by men, parading in bathing suits in front of them is disgusting, medieval and wrong)

It is difficult to look from this distance in time, invoking the legendary ‘Madeleine de Proust’, and know what was in my mind, especially in my heart when I discovered that the ‘official beauty of the land’ was sitting in my car, next to me, and how the subconscious urges, the desire to get to the top, The Will to Power or something along those lines took over, if it was an honest infatuation or just a combined aspiration for an ideal, as identified by others, even if there is no doubt that this girl was attractive, fascinating even and there is the other issue that needs to be addressed – well, it does not ‘need’, but might just well be brought into question – that of how far down was I on her list of dreams, coveted knights in shining armor and how low in the diary of memories do I sit, if of course, there is a vague recollection of the early 1990s episode, labeled perhaps as a mistake of young age, an engagement with a low caste, maybe a pariah, who had no right to get inside the House of Narnia, but this flirt with the houseboy would be later corrected – surely with intervention form the Queen Mother  - with the marriage with the very wealthy blockhead, who would serve time in jail, but that is irrelevant to the higher (?) purpose that the family had

So the question if the Beauty Queen had an intrinsic value is simple and the answer is yes, but the one about how virtuous, smart, emotionally intelligent, subordinate to her mother and rather communist, derelict values is more complicated and maybe we find out together in this enterprise, which is supposed to use the merit of writing – we are using different parts of the brain when writing, which has various benefits for the brain, that we do when we talk and in psychological terms, when we engage in this activity of putting down thoughts, or just words, we tend to detach from the painful and often still raw remembrance of something wrong in the past.

For a good few years, I think, the main element of the past that was sore, even tragic for some time, was the idea that this woman would not marry me and waiting for her to accept matrimony, while I was travelling through Belgium for a few weeks, where consequent to meetings with cable company owners I could have started a firm back home, which considering the financial fortune they would make for the first to launch would have made

me and other partners very rich, and in other circumstances I wailed and moaned over the loss of purpose, without a meaning left in life and then had to see an analyst to try and recover from the mess…

to use the words of the amusing Representative in the American Congress, Peter Welch, who replied to the mad dog Jim Jordan, who kept calling, like other members of the Cult of the Orange Idiot Son of the Orangutan, to have the ‘one who has started it all, the Whistleblower’ testify in front of the elected representatives, by saying he too would like the one who has started it all come and have a seat at hearings…

Donald Trump is welcome ….

Was it me, or was the idea of the beauty of the land responsible for all that happened and then didn’t?